Circle of Life

Today was filled with death and life. Today I found out that our friend Bill died on Saturday. Of course, everyone knew it was coming, but it is still so sad to me. Sad because I am heartbroken for Jackie and the kids, and sad because, selfishly, I wonder what if it was us? What would I do as a widow in my 30s? What would the kids do without their dad? Also, I am wanting so much to be able to attend the prayer service and funeral but we can't. I actually like funerals, it makes me feel connected and it feels like that's all you can do for the surviving family, just be there. But we knew when the time came we might not be able to come to the funeral, and that is why we took the time to go to Brookings when we got the phone call from NBC last year. But still.

It's natural to feel sad and heartbroken, I think, but Bill was a very holy man held up by an even holier woman. If he did not make it to Heaven, we are all in trouble. Of course, for him, a new life has begun, a life better than any of us could probably imagine, and that makes me smile.

I need to be reminded sometimes that life comes and life goes. Life was very active today at my second ultrasound. Baby was dancing some kind of jig in there (I like to think he was breakdancing). That also made me smile and cry at the same time. Something so small (about the size of an apple now, actually) that no one can see, no one really would know was there, but s/he has beautiful fingers and toes and a cute nose, and is apparently using me as a punching bag already. It's so beautiful and so worth the nausea and vomiting and misery. I have a feeling Fetus is a boy, but then again, I thought the same about The Ballerina, too.

And thus goes the Circle of Life.